By Skiff Bayless
Frogs Today righteous dude
Every Thanksgiving Jerf tries to overcompensate for his lack of achievement by announcing a new attempt at a Guinness World Record. The adults respond appropriately with an eye roll, but the kids offer high-fives and encouragement.
Kids are stupid.
It always ends, predictably, in abysmal failure. Last year, his recording of White Christmas sold only one copy. This year his two-minute plank was slightly more successful — coming in just eight hours and 13 minutes shy of the world record.
I get it. Thanksgiving can be rough. It’s completely anathema to Jerf’s moral code when friends and family are given priority over things of material value.
This year, Thanksgiving day was spent at the palatial home of Jerf’s hugely successful banker brother and his Hallmark perfect family. Jerf wanted some moral support, so he told everyone I was a Ukrainian refugee with nowhere to go.
Despite the beautiful repast of turkey, dressing, cranberries and pumpkin pie, it was a disaster.
Jerf’s uncle demanded to know when his investment in Jerf’s solar panel Ponzi scheme was going to pay off. Jerf’s niece begged him to stop creeping on her friends’ TikTok videos.
Then, Jerf’s grandma asked how long he felt he could go on living like he is — couch surfing and scamming people by selling expired Groupons.
Jerf ball parked it at 7-10 years, maybe longer, depending on whether Melinda Gates responds favorably to his Edible Arrangement delivery.
After awhile, the discourse finally began to settle onto less controversial topics like gun control, abortion and confederate monuments until someone mentioned the unmentionable — College Football Playoff rankings.
All hell broke loose into a cavalcade of conspiracy theories and cuss words. With our current fourth-place ranking, the repressed memories from 2014 started to bubble to the surface. Everyone recalled when we were similarly ranked going into the final game of the season against Iowa State. Despite winning 55-3, we dropped to sixth place, just out of the playoffs.
We heard it over and over in the days leading up to the final regular-season game this year. Iowa State is better than its record. Yeah, and Jerf’s vegan cousin insists her tofurky tastes better than it sounds.
Let me just tell you: They both suck.
Not much is known about Iowa. The name derives from a shortened version of the phrase “Iowant out of here.”
The best thing to come out of Iowa is our own adopted son, Max Duggan.
Still, Iowa State once again stood between us and our date with destiny. And on a dreary, drizzly day, with an injury-depleted squad, this thing had all of the makings of a trap game. That is, until midway through the first quarter.
As should be the case with teams that have higher aspirations, the Horned Frogs dominated every phase from beginning to end.
After the game, Jerf and I made a pact to do everything in our power to make sure we didn’t get screwed by the CFP committee again.
We drove early this morning to the Gaylord Texan, where the committee convenes to decide the rankings.
Heavy security prevented us from breaching the conference room, but we were able to spy the equipment manager unpack a large duffel bag with a Magic 8 Ball, a Ouija Board and loaded dice.
Without access to the inner sanctum, we decided to do a background check on the 13 members of the CFP committee. Who is this shadowy group of strangers? And what qualifies them to arbitrarily wield such power in the most lucrative of all college sports?
Know thine enemy, so to speak.
What we found may surprise you. What follows is our brief dossier.
Boo Corrigan: Athletic director at North Carolina State. Chairman of the committee. Boo is short for “Booty Call,” his nickname when he was at West Point. He thinks Crypto is his prepaid cemetery plot. He’s curious to know who won the checkers match between Nick Saban and the Aflac duck because that “may play into the committee’s consideration.”
Mitch Barnhart: Athletic director at Kentucky. Plays washboard in a jug band. Accidentally downloaded White A** P**** by Cardi B thinking it stood for “White Anglo Privilege.”
Rick George: Athletic director at Colorado. Chippendale’s stage name is George Rick. Charter member of Hair Club For Men. Has an encyclopedic knowledge of Charles Bronson trivia.
Kelly Whiteside: Only female member of the committee. Professor at Montclair State University. Has committed to memory the bylaws for the CFP, her HOA and her step-kid’s PTA. Drafting keyboard warriors to fight against the war on Christmas. Secretly refers to Paul Finebaum as “Paul Fine Bum.”
Warde Manuel: Athletic director at Michigan. Has an autographed photo of Bea Arthur on his desk. Can’t figure out how to turn off the hourly chime on his digital watch. Pronounces the “l” in salmon.
Chet Gladchuk: Athletic director at the Naval Academy. Likes to read books about naval mishaps. Meat Loaf’s death hit him a little harder than he’d like to admit.
Joe Taylor: Administrator at Virginia Union. Has a standing reservation at Applebee’s every Friday at 6 p.m. Gave his daughter $21 on her 21st birthday. Wears socks garters. Owns a local Scentsy franchise.
Jim Grobe: Coached Baylor in 2016 after Art Briles was fired. Brings a hemorrhoid donut to every meeting. Can only reach orgasm while listening to conservative talk radio.
Gene Taylor: Kansas State athletic director. Has a standing game of Yahtzee with Lee Corso and Bill Snyder every Tuesday night. Always knows the five-day weather forecast. Has a collection of “Old Guys Rule” t-shirts.
Tom Burman: Wyoming athletic director. Not saying it’s correct yet, but is mildly intrigued by the Flat Earther movement. Handed out Cracker Barrel peanut brittle for Halloween. Has a jean jacket with Looney Tunes characters on the back. Drives a Goldwing touring motorcycle.
Rod West: Played on the 1988 Notre Dame national championship team. Built an algorithm with fellow committee member John Urschel (PhD in mathematics from MIT) which shows Notre Dame is better than every other FBS team. For example, even after Notre Dame lost to USC, he still ranked Notre Dame higher because “Notre Dame beat Cal, Cal beat Arizona, Arizona beat UCLA, UCLA beat Utah, Utah beat USC.” Writing a chapter on Brian Kelly for the book When Bad Things Happen To Bad People.
This is the group who will decide the fate the Horned Frogs.
Better not leave it to chance.
